doing better

And by doing better, I mean, I am trying to be more responsible and not procrastinate.
I'm assuming that my procrastination causes me about 90% of the stress in my life and that is simply ridiculous. So, I awoke this morning at 3:30 and couldn't go back to sleep because I was stressing about all the things I had to do today. I decided to go ahead and get a start on the day, and I accomplished a great deal! But alas, I'm sleepy and am headed back to bed for one more hour of precious sleep.

Here's to no more procrastination. Cheers!

hodge-podge

Usually, when I sit down to write a bjourn, it's because things are so heavily laid on my mind. Not that I always write (or publish) them. See, I can never seem to coordinate all the things running through my head into a coherent entry. I don't know why I can't either. Sometimes, I want to tell myself that I have ADD or something because I also have trouble doing other things in a sequence that makes sense. I'm having more and more trouble studying these days, like I read a paragraph over multiple times, but the information just floats off into some space outside of my brain. It's quite disheartening, and I refuse to think that I would develop a disorder in my early 20's after graduating college. But still, I don't know what my deal is.

However, instead of musing about some world crisis or a self-crisis for that matter, I thought I'd try just writing about mundane things, for the mundane is what makes my life, and I rather enjoy it for the most part. So, here's to the mundane things in life that make me happy of late.

1. Discovering new old music.
My taste in music varies all the time, but once I like something, I'll always like it, even if it's just for the nostalgia of it. Like in high school, I got really into hardcore and indie music. Maybe it was more of a scene. See, when I was in high school, indie and hardcore music wasn't really cool, and the whole scene around it was seemingly just beginning. I can remember going to shows where no one guys were wearing girl jeans or had that infamous scene haircut, you know the one with the super straight bangs swooped to one side covering one eye. Anyhow, I digress.
So, from the indie music scene, many artists would do acoustic stuff which I dug, and through the acoustic stuff I made my way into folk. And from folk, I got into bluegrass. A couple of years later, I started digging jazz and soul. And to admit a guilty pleasure, I've always had a soft spot for R&B. Somewhere between the indie stage and the bluegrass stage, I found Blind Willie Johnson by accident on a rural radio station as I was driving through the middle of nowhere on my way home from college one Friday night. I heard this piece of music, and it had no words, and I can't explain the draw that it had, but it was the oddest thing being moved by this piece of music. I caught one of the DJ's calling it something like "Dark was the Night". I scoured the internet to learn more about this song because I had to pass on this gem to my friends. During the scouring, I read that someone once called it the most transcendent piece in the history of American music. I felt my feelings for the piece were now justified. Anyways, that was my first adulthood glimpse into blues, and I'm not sure why I never jumped feet first into the genre, but I only downloaded that one song. Now, though, I'm really getting into Blues. I absolutely love it. And I especially love anything with the Blues/Folk/Soul classification. It's a merger of probably my three favorites all into one and it can't get any better. All that to say, I'm really digging Van Morrison and CSNY right now. I never listened to much of Van Morrison because all I knew was the "Brown Eyed Girl" song, which it's good, but to me it was just overplayed causing me not to search out more of his music.

2. Living in the Moment.
This is an on-going battle for me. I often am daydreaming about my future or fondly remembering the past. I love nostalgia, but living in the past should only be done at reunions, and living in the future is plain dumb because I have this theory that anything I daydream about will never come true anyways. So, my goal is to have a vision of my future that I'd like to have, and by vision of my future, it's mostly about what kind of person I become. So, to get to that person I have to work on my character flaws now. And, sometimes I think about being a wife or parent, but that seems so far away, that all I really should do is focus on being the person that someone would want to be married to or the kind of person that a parent should be to foster the most care to her children. Needless to say, I like random encounters, but really am working on building relationships where I am and learning to communicate more honestly and openly.

3. Twilight.
It comes out in 2 weeks and I'm pretty flippin' excited. Will it live up to the expectations I have? I'm not sure. As long as it isn't too cheesy, and I can feel the chemistry from the actors portraying Bella and Edward, I think that's all it will take for me to be a fan. However, I'm probably not going to go opening weekend, as I'm not willing to brave the legions of crazed-fangirls. Maybe I'll make it out the week after during the day while they're all in school.

a summation of why i oppose socialism

"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have."
--Thomas Jefferson

'nuff said.

Take Two

Okay, so, I've decided to give bjourning another shot. Mainly because I have too much freakin' stuff constantly floating around in my head. The content may be controversial, but I am going to freely and unapologetically write what it is that I'm thinking. However, I don't mind if anyone reads this and wants to respond. I like to think of myself as an open-minded thinker. So, if there are any opposers out there and you have a logical argument, I don't mind hearing it and mulling it over. Lastly, this isn't meant to offend or upset anyone...I just need an outlet.

finished

i think i'm done bjourning. well, not necessarily.
i will keep this one to post comments on friends, and if i ever find myself writing for fun, i may bring it back. however, my secret bjourn is still going strong.

finally...a new bjourn

so, i am currently sitting inside Perry Nissan while my car is going through a diagnostic test. the 'service engine soon' light came on yesterday right before noon. and by noon today it was off, but i had already scheduled an appointment, so here i am. not that this is interesting or even noteworthy, but this is the first time i've had the opportunity to surf the web in quite a while. usually, when i get the chance, it's at work for a few moments at a time. my neighbor's wifi hasn't been working for me lately.

so niaz, here's an update. and i'm not really delving into anything like you recommended that i should from our last conversation. i wish i could. but i just feel like i don't have an adequate amount of time. and i feel like maybe it needs more thought before i share it. maybe i need to make better connections of obsessions and thought processes.

so, also, i CANNOT wait to go to colorado. i'm so excited, and i'm kinda afraid i'm gonna wanna stay and never come back to the boring banalities of life in mid/eastern america. chris mccandless said "the west IS best", and i can't concur...yet. but in my mind it's always been best. and i can't wait to find out for myself.

so, since i mentioned chris mccandless, i guess i can mention a few of my current obsessions and how they have affected my thoughts.


i am addicted to LOST, to tv series. it's really good, and i like it quite alot. i really like the relationship between charlie and claire, even though they're not really "main" characters. but mostly what i like about this show, is seeing how these people live. they are merely living to survive, and almost everything they do is about survival. (btw, i'm only in the second season, and this is actually lessening by the episode.) so, i've been thinking that survival was early humans' quest. now, it seems that our quest's is surviving with the least amount of work necessary. i really think we are missing out on discovering the depths of ourselves and our souls. what are we really made of? what are we really capable of? how far can i push myself? how much can i do for myself instead of others doing for me? i mean, our lives are pretty sweet, and i would make the case that i have never done anything in my life that depended upon my survival i will stop there because i could go farther into my thoughts, but i'm not sure i want to yet. they may seem too insensitive, and i haven't thought it through enough yet to defend them.

a couple of weeks ago i watched the movie "into the wild" directed by sean penn. i have been obsessed with this story ever since. i've read probably 10 articles on the subject and recently bought the book from which the movie was adapted from. john krakauer wrote the book after becoming obsessed in the story as well over 10 years ago. now, i don't know chris mccandless, and all i have to go on is the accounts from the people who knew him and how krakauer presented him in his book, and how penn presented him in the movie. regardless, i felt a very strong connection to the ideas that mccandless had. mostly, i liked the fact that he was hard to categorize, and sometimes, i feel like maybe i'm a hard person to categorize. i really enjoy the feeling when someone learns something about me that they'd never expect. mainly i enjoy it because i feel like "HA, i'm not one-dimensional, i don't fall into stereotypes." i don't know why i think it's a good thing, but i do. but i also share his passion for honesty in the world, and i admire how he gave his money to charity and left all his possessions behind to live among vagabonds. he didn't see people in classes necessarily, which is also something i admire. i find a slight connection in how much disdain he had for our current society. they way we are so materialistic and see ourselves in classes. the wealthy aristocratic type who belong to country clubs and jet to remote places for vacations three or four times a year and who look down their noses at people who live in RVs and criss-cross the country working at flea markets or renaissance festivals. i mean, yeah, i think it's kinda weird that some people opt for that, but should i really think that my life is better because i have more stuff or make more money. i don't think so. i think everyone should do what brings happiness to their hearts.
there is so much more about alexander supertramp that i find endearing, and i wish there were more people like him in our world. it'd be a better place for sure!

also, i've been very (re: actually only a little bit, but relative to most people it's very) involved in our great political process. in missouri, we have a 'preferential' primary on super tuesday. and then about a month later we have county caucuses where we elect delegates to the republican state convention, where delegates are elected to the republican national convention. now, i must say here, that i do not necessarily believe in political parties, and i actually abhor politics altogether. but, i'm more conservative in my worldviews and its really hard for your voice to be heard or to have any impact for change outside one of the two major political parties. so, i'm trying to make a change from the inside out. which is how real change is made anyways.

okay, there are also other musings in my life, but my car's diagnostic test is fine and is ready to go, so i must end my ramblings here. also, nissan isn't even charging me, hallelujah!

1st things 1st

okay, someone please tell me how to add links on the sidebar. i feel like a complete dunce, but i am not figuring it out. kthanks. i want to be connected to my other blogging friends. and can i just say how much i dislike the word 'blog'? i know it is merely an aphaeresis of weblog, which i think sounds much better. the word just kinda grosses me out. why couldn't they, whoever they are, have called it a web journal (bjourn, pronounced kinda like bjork, just sayin' that sounds pretty suave to me) or even an e-journal. anything other than blog...actually, i'm gonna start referring to it as weblog. full name. i like it better. unless the bjourn thing takes off, then i'll call it that, otherwise, no one would know what i was talking about.

Days change, and so it leads to life change

Loneliness came by your preference. Alone, but purposeful. Somewhere, somehow, sadness followed. It was deep, not understood, I was behind most of it. Only one could see you, maybe because you only let one see. Perpetually, you fell into an unassuming cycle. Anytime, you had the chance to get off, you opted to stay on. I guess in some unrealistic way you only felt safe and normal on that carousel, forgetting what it was like to stand still on solid ground. I guess in whirlwinds your head cannot be clear. Falling off the carousel was painful and I think you may have even been trapped underneath while it kept spinning above you, but after you pulled yourself out and regained your stance on the solid earth, the sky cleared of all the dark clouds. Rays of the sun began to shine upon your cheek and glisten in your eye. I liked that newfound sparkle. I had missed that. But by then, you no longer let me see. I guess you had to prune your branches, the ones that held you back, and I know that I was one.

like a poem poorly written

I love Simon and Garfunkle.
I don't think I could ever say that enough.
I love Paul Simon's lyrics and music. I love Garfunkle's voice. He can hit some notes I wouldn't even dream about. Their harmony is captivating. Sometimes, I feel like the music part of the song is so simplistic, yet so complex. I know that doesn't make sense, whatever. Anyways, I love so many of their songs, and right at this moment, if I HAD to pick a favorite this one would be it. I just like so many of the images in it, and it's amazing how it captures that feeling of being with a friend that was once so close, and now not so much. Everyone knows. Nothing necessarily pulls the friends apart but time and distance. Each has gone their own separate way, and meeting again is just not the same.

Anyhow, Ihave many friends that I miss dearly, but I know we are in different worlds now, but I still love catching up briefly and know what's happening, and I will always care and always enjoy reuniting every few years or so.

What I like most about S&G's music...I think alot. They always get me riled up. Whether it be nostalgia or normally untouched emotions, I'm moved to deep thoughts when I listen to them. And plus, their music is so soothing and so smooth. Everyone should give 'em a listen every once and awhile. That's all.


Its a still life water color,
Of a now late afternoon,
As the sun shines through the curtained lace
And shadows wash the room.

And we sit and drink our coffee
Couched in our indifference,
Like shells upon the shore
You can hear the ocean roar
In the dangling conversation
And the superficial sighs,
Are the borders of our lives.


And you read your Emily Dickinson,
And I my Robert Frost,
And we note our place with bookmarkers
That measure what weve lost.


Like a poem poorly written
We are verses out of rhythm,
Couplets out of rhyme,
In syncopated time
Lost in the dangling conversation
And the superficial sighs,
Are the borders of our lives.


Yes, we speak of things that matter,
With words that must be said,
Can analysis be worthwhile?
Is the theater really dead?
And how the room is softly faded
And I only kiss your shadow,
I cannot feel your hand,
Youre a stranger now unto me
Lost in the dangling conversation.
And the superficial sighs,
In the borders of our lives.

--The Dangling Conversation